Build That Wall

Love shouldn’t rob you of your identity. An embrace should be an affirmation, not strangulation.

Build That Wall? No, not THAT wall! That wall is inhumane. It was tried before by other countries and compromised every time.

I’m talking about a different kind of a wall. The inner wall that keeps the “I” separate from the “we”: the fragile wall of personal identity.

“The truth is, your identity already has been stolen.” Frank Abagnale

Yes, it’s true: relationships are precious and make life worth living. Other people make us happy. We make other people happy. It’s gratifying. We think of our relationships on a death bed. That’s all true. BUT, there is a but.

Life isn’t measured in “we” or “us”. You were born alone and you’ll die alone. The time in between those two is called “life”. It is lovely to share a life and love with others. Still, the struggle to come into being is lonely and so is the experience of dying. We can’t share either one. You can’t — and shouldn’t — try to control or live other people’s lives for them. They can’t — and shouldn’t — try to control or live your life for you.

“Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Each person’s life is a promise. No one but that very person can fulfill it. We can wish a newborn the very best, we can support a kid and youth, but we can’t protect adult kids from life 24/7. Bottom line: we are each responsible for ourselves.

Parental nurture is addictive to both the provider (parent) and the recipient (child) and it can be detrimental to both. It compels the provider to stunt the recipient’s growth. It compels the recipient to surrender and take comfort; it dulls the recipient’s natural drive to explore, pursue and succeed on his / her own.

“When you have a lot of people telling you what you are and perceiving you in a certain way, it’s difficult to find your own identity.” Sia

Once we become adults: goal-driven, career-driven, ready to take on the world, eager to make it better, we have the underlying wish to find a mate, an ally for a life of conquests, success and happiness.

And here is where another word of caution comes in: you have to be well-advanced in developing your identity and on the way to fulfilling your life before making a commitment to another person or starting a family. The reverse order, “we” before “I” rarely produces satisfying results. A successful “we” requires two well-defined “I”s.

Quite similarly as in the parent and child relationship, in a romantic relationship too there is a stage of total tranquility: a time filled with love, gratitude and nurture.

Nurture is addictive to both the provider and the recipient and it can be detrimental to both. It compels the provider to stunt the recipient’s growth. It compels the recipient to surrender and take comfort; it dulls the recipient’s natural drive to explore, pursue and succeed on his / her own.

Only in a romantic relationship it can be worse because both partners are providers and recipients. Hence the wish of isolating ourselves from the outside world, in a word: a total paralysis with an inward focus. It may lead to a merger into an abstract “we” which doesn’t represent either one of you, adequately.

Don’t be fooled! There is a “we”, but a good “we” consists of two separate “I”s supporting and encouraging one another. Just one unfulfilled “I” can devastate a seemingly happy “we”.

Love isn’t supposed to be a power struggle. Love is the celebration of freedom: the freedom to choose whom to love and honoring the freedom of our beloved and our own.

Romantic love is about “magic”. You fell in love because your significant other was irresistible: different than you. When you demolish the differences brick by brick, you demolish the “magic” that brought the two of you together. Click To Tweet

Fidelity is a big deal in a romantic relationship. (Did you ever watch the TV show “Cheaters”?!) It seems that many equate fidelity with ownership right. It isn’t. Loyalty might be, but fidelity?… No one is ENTITLED to fidelity.

Most of us are faithful to a fault while we are infatuated by the other. The issue may not be fidelity or lack thereof, the question to ask may well be where did the original infatuation go and why? You found your partner extremely attractive, once. What has changed since? Did your partner lose his or her identity in the mix? Or did you destroy it?

With time you become roommates; people with shared interest in surviving. Preserving the fascinating differences between the two of you, leaves a breathing room in which the “magic” can survive and grow. Two freedoms wanting to share a life, wanting to be together now, that’s real love!

Do NOT hand over responsibility for your identity, goals or dreams to another person! It doesn’t work. You will be disappointed. You’ll end up losing your selfhood. (Contrary to what you’ve been told, we can live without someone else. It’s impossible to live without ourselves.)You’ll resent the other person and the other person will resent you. Depending on another for our selfhood always ends up in a disaster and often breaks a relationship.

The same is true in reverse: do not accept responsibility for identity, goals or dreams of another! You can’t satisfy it. You will be resented.

Your selfhood is original, custom-made by you. Handed down selfhood is generic. A wife (or husband), a mother (or father) or a provider is not a substitute for individual identity or self-fulfillment. Click To Tweet

“When you’ve worked as hard as I have to form your identity, the last thing you want is to blur where you end and someone else begins.” Amanda de Cadenet

“I think I lost my sense of identity when I was married. I know I did. And it took me a very long time to regain it and find out who I was.” Pattie Boyd

“I was married to someone who wanted me to change. Become more adult, more responsible. I began not to like myself, not like what I do. I lost my identity. Everything began collapsing around me.” Marilyn Manson

Build that wall that keeps your identity intact! Relationships — the most precious connections we have with others — can pose a threat to an individual’s identity and fulfillment. Be aware that the other party to the relationship has the same need to preserve and grow his or her identity, goals and dreams.

“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.” Erik Erikson

True intimacy requires both, having boundaries and respecting each other’s boundaries. Happy, satisfying and lasting relationships are those that nourish and enrich both partners. If your significant other expects you to surrender your individuality, constantly devalues or belittles you: re-think the value of your relationship and if justified, run, don’t just walk away.

“All discomfort comes from suppressing your true identity.” Bryant H. McGill

Adulthood shouldn’t kill our dreams. The people who love us should defend us from the outside world, not conspire with it to diminish us. You have only one life. It is precious. You deserve to be loved, appreciated, cheered on and respected.