Grief And Beyond
There is no prescription to relieve grief. Mourning is a process. But there is a new “normal” on the other side of loss and grief.
It may come as a disappointment but no, I’m not going to tell you how to grieve. There isn’t any one “right” way or any one “right” period of time to mourn.
If anyone tells you that you don’t mourn appropriately, or that you are grieving too long or too short, ignore them. Grief is a complex and personal experience. The person you’re mourning and your relationship with the person is unique. No one has complete understanding of the magnitude of your loss and no one can tell you how or for how long you should grieve.
Some people get criticized for not expressing emotions. I’m somewhat of a crier myself and yet, when I lost the most important Person in the world to me, I couldn’t cry. It took a couple of months before the tears came. Death isn’t simple. It involves more than feelings of loss. It may take a while before we – the survivors – get a chance to mourn.
Sometimes – if not always – the loss we feel is not only the loss of the person who passed on but a good chunk of our identity. The mourning we go through may involve the mourning of a part of ourselves, too.
Does it ever get better? Yes. Some people say that time heals all wounds. Perhaps. I believe that we get used to the loss, learn to accept it and eventually, integrate it in our life. Occasional flashbacks of grief do pop-up, every then and again. But life does get better.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
Our “normal” may change, but life goes on. All of this is easy to say; it’s much harder to get there. What helps?
Your definition of death
Personally, I don’t believe that death could possibly be the end of existence. If it isn’t, there is a reason to remain hopeful.
Focusing on the departed person’s presence in our life
Every significant relationship leaves a lasting impact. I identified the impact of the Person I lost in myself and in many areas of my life. If only in terms of impact, the person we lost remains with us.
“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller
Remembering
Many believe that life continues for as long as the departed is remembered. The memory may take many different forms.
I honor birthdays and anniversaries of my Dearly Departed.
I talk – and write – about Her and share my memories of Her.
Others find solace in creating a charitable organization – or performing good deeds – in the name of the person they’ve lost to contribute to their legacy.
Reach out to the one you lost: write a letter!
There is always something we wish we had told the person we mourn. As time passes – believe it or not – there is more and more we’d like to add. Even though the person passed on, our life continues and we continue evolving. The process of evolving brings us more understanding and new appreciation. As our perspective changes and we can see the past differently, we have the urge to share our insights. Insights pertaining to the dearly departed and their role in our life are best shared with them directly.
You may believe that we can communicate with the dead or not. Still, write a letter to the one you mourn and miss. Share your life’s events and your newly gained understanding – and appreciation – of them. No, there is no need to mail this letter. The one you lost may – or may not – read it. But writing such a letter will help you process your grief and grow beyond it. You’re bound to notice in your writing that life goes on, you’re still growing and the more you know, the more you appreciate the person you mourn.
Making the person you’re mourning a part of your life, again
Ariana Huffington shared some beautiful tips on incorporating lost loved one in our daily lives.
Nothing prevents us from reaching new heights in honor of the person we lost. (Did you notice how many Oscar winners thank their parents who didn’t live long enough to witness their child’s achievement? Give it a thought!)
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Loss is tough. The pain of loss never vanishes completely. Years from now an expression, situation, place or occasion may still reignite your grief, but we grow to accept loss and the period of intense mourning does come to an end. There is a new “normal” on the other side of loss and grief.
There are a different ways of looking at loss. We mourn because someone was taken away from us. But wouldn’t we be worse off had we not experienced the person who passed on, at all?… Loss and mourning are tragic, real and painful. They hurt because we cared. We cared because the person we lost was precious to us. In some way – or many – the person we lost enriched our lives. Cherish and appreciate the value! Aspire to contribute value to others.
Grief is in its essence somewhat selfish. It certainly includes the dearly departed but at the focus of grief are we and our loss. We feel sorry for ourselves. We seek solace for ourselves. We may feel incomplete, cheated and abandoned. Wholeness is restored when we start sharing the limelight with others, again.
Once you’re able to rejoin the living: LIVE! In the aftermath of your loss, your life gained a new dimension. It has more importance now: you’ll live to fulfill your life AND to complete life of the dearly departed which was taken too soon. Make every day count!
Include the dearly departed in your rituals, honor him or her with your actions, dedicate your successes to the person you mourn, include other people in your life, again.
We are all merely passersby on Earth. Contributing value to others is the only way to ensure that we are remembered beyond our limited lifespan.
