The Issue Of Self-Esteem

Accept your flaws, no one is perfect. Build a track record. Develop the skills. Self-esteem can be learned.

Many years ago, way before I learned how to read, a fairy tale was read to me the conclusion of which stuck with me all my life. The story was quite trivial.

The king had only one daughter and in effort to ensure that her future husband – and the future king – is worthy, run a kingdom-wide challenge. The results were inconclusive. There were three winners.
The princess run to the king and said: “Dad it was your dumb idea to run the competition. I’m not marrying three guys!”
The king didn’t lose his cool and said: “Don’t worry, my daughter. You’ll marry one guy: the winner.”
The daughter tried to argue and reminded her father that there are three winners, but the king dismissed her concerns.

On the day when the princess and her future prince were to meet for the first time, the king had a gorgeous, new, red carpet unrolled reaching all the way from the palace’s gate to the princess’ throne.
The winners arrived, one at a time.
The first one noticed the beautiful red carpet and thought: The king is expecting a visit from another head of state. I’ll better come back tomorrow.” And he left.
The second winner came, took one look at the red carpet and another at his dirty shoes and decided to walk on the cobblestones next to the red carpet so he wouldn’t soil the fine carpet. Suffice to say, the walk was tedious and very long.
The third winner took a glance at the red carpet and instantly realized that the carpet was enrolled to celebrate his victory and welcome him. He stepped on it and walked tall toward his future princess reaching her way before the other “winners”.

Yes, the story has a happy ending, they lived happily ever after, BUT the lesson of the story is how the level of each of the winners’ self esteem decided their future.

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Self esteem is the bar that determines life’s quality. The good news: we set the bar for ourselves. It can be set high so we’d strive to live up to it or low so we won’t have to strain ourselves. Obviously, the level at which you set life’s quality determines your satisfaction in all areas of life. The bad news? Happiness, success and prosperity belong to those willing to stretch beyond their comfort zone.

Nathaniel Branden said: “Tell me how a person judges his or her self-esteem, and I will tell you how that person operates at work, in love, in sex, in parenting, in every important aspect of existence – and how high he or she is likely to rise. The reputation you have with yourself – your self-esteem – is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life.”

 

Men And Self Esteem

Boys and men tend to compare themselves to other males. The realization that they fall short in comparison: they are not the tallest, strongest, best looking, most popular, most successful or smartest takes a tall on their self confidence. So does bullying suffered in youth. In some cases, the “girl power” movement, female dominance at home or lack of a male role model in childhood can also have a disempowering effect on boys.
(More on this topic: Low Self Esteem In Men and Boys Need Help With Self Esteem, Too)

 

Women And Self Esteem

Women confront even more issues that negatively affect self esteem and self confidence. In addition to the issues confronting men (such as body image, comparing themselves to others or being victims of bullying) they have to contend with hormone levels’ impact on self esteem, traditional role assignment and workplace culture biased against them.

• Female hormones (specifically estrogen, the level of which fluctuates throughout a woman’s life) adversely affect female self esteem. (Estrogen and Women’s Emotions)
• Women are nurturers by nature and we love nurturers, not respect them.
• Women are still often perceived as trophies, not equal partners.
• Worse, women are frequently treated as a prey and prey is well-familiar with fear. Fear inhibits self esteem.
• Women, especially of the older generations, lack financial education and the first step in establishing power is self-sufficiency.

Women are measured by different standards than men. As conventional wisdom would have us believe, women don’t have “commanding presence” and rarely “command respect”. (If and when they do, they are resented for it like no men are. The fear of resentment erodes self esteem, leave alone self confidence.)

When it comes to men, the separation of gender and identity is taken for granted. When it comes to women gender and identity are still inseparable.

Unless and until we redefine the social value of a woman without a gender bias and perceive her as a person, women are at a disadvantage in the competitive game of life.

As it is, the positive qualities of women we cherish at home are women’s liabilities in the outside world, hence the “glass ceiling”, hence low self esteem partially imposed on women by society and the male-dominated power structure.

With that said and outside factors undermining healthy self esteem aside, self esteem is the acknowledgment that

1/ Nobody is perfect. Not you and not the person you admire. We all have some flaws. We all have the capacity to develop our existing assets and use them as a source of power to feed our self confidence.

2/ Self esteem is developed like any other skill. It can be developed and sustained regardless of one’s circumstances, vulnerabilities or imperfections.

3/ Real self esteem is based on learned behaviors AND a track record.

Bottom line: even though self esteem and self confidence may come easier to some than to others, both can be successfully developed by anyone.
There are talented athletes and less talented athletes. Both have earned the Olympic Gold. Some thanks to the combination of talent and hard work and some thanks to hard work and grit. No one won Olympic Gold for his or her talent alone. Medals are awarded for merit. And gold is gold. The same applies to self esteem.

“Self-esteem is a powerful force within each of us… Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and to the requirements of life.” Nathaniel Branden

Circumstances, family of origin or gender are not a matter of choice. Identity is. The decision to develop and foster healthy self esteem is, too. Click To Tweet

Self esteem is one of the “gifts” few people “receive”, but anyone can claim. Choose the life you’d like to live. Make the decision. Learn the skills.

Build a track record. Stake your claim on the good life. There is nothing wrong with being a winner. (Or a star….)